I found myself crying this morning, and it got me thinking about what a privilege it is to be able to cry in peace.
There is an expectation when you start HRT for gender transition that taking T will prevent being able to cry. This is not a universal experience, and generally reported as temporary. I would like to share my experience with this phenomenon.
When I considered starting T, I was informed that it would enlarge my vocal cords permanently. This would change my singing voice, as I would no longer be able to access the higher registers in the same way, if at all, but it would also open up my lower register. Vocal training was an option on the table, but so was doing nothing and just allowing my body to adjust. I half joke that I was a professional singer as a child. I auditioned and got into a local singing group starting in early elementary school, participated in the Jazz festival in high school, and contemplated going pro in college, but ultimately felt like it wasn’t right for me. I sang in church every week and performed on stage, as you do in the culture I grew up in. I took voice lessons from two different teachers outside of choir practice and was generally acknowledged to be talented. Once I felt I had learned enough soprano, I moved to alto and worked into the lowest registers I could reach. I love singing.
All that being said, I decided that the risk of discomfort and permanent changes to my voice was worth the benefits, and that if I needed help, I could get it.
As my body changed, my vocal cords thickened, causing my throat to feel tighter and protrude slightly. It was amazing to be able to use a vocal range that I’d always had in my head, but never was able to replicate in real life. It felt so nice to finally feel like my body was the way it should be in many aspects. But the tension of parts developing without the growth of the tissues surrounding them gradually started causing problems.
I had more headaches. When I felt deep emotions, I would get that “lump in my throat” sensation, which would just sit there blocking everything for days. More interesting to me is the fact that, while my throat chakra had been pretty blocked previously, the blocks were shifting. Self-expression in the form of showing up transmasc, among other things (pursuing a career is a major throat chakra thing), allowed me greater latitude to express myself, but it also brought to the forefront throat chakra issues that tied directly to physical blocks.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have access to my feelings; I’ve always been a deep feeler. But I couldn’t cry. It would start up, get stuck, and then not go anywhere. I was frustrated, and a bit bewildered. So, being a massage therapist, and believing in the power of massage, I booked myself a massage session with a trusted practitioner who also works with energy.
There is a connection between the physical body and the emotional body. When my practitioner began loosening up the tissue surrounding the vocal cords, I went into deep processing and was finally able to have an emotional release. Not only that, the headaches from pent up feelings and chronic tension in my neck improved, and my spine has stayed in alignment better.
Along with regular self-care and self-treatments, I have had repeat sessions with people who can hold that space with me from time to time. It is harder holding it by myself, and I need a couple days after the work to really process through what gets released. I have found significant improvement in my vocal range, physical comfort, and self-expression. I am actually more well-connected to my emotional expression now than I was before starting T, because it catalyzed and supports the real-world changes I’ve needed to make to be healthy. Writing and speaking about not only how I feel but also the work I do has always been kind of scary. It’s a process, learning to show up as me and do the work I’m here to do, as I grew up being pushed into a very small box. This is all part of healing my throat chakra.
Note that energy work will prompt changes in your life, so if you’re ready to finally break free of restrictions and start living authentically, this work can be a key resource. If you are going through physical symptoms of throat chakra blockage, I would highly recommend energy-integrated massage to address the issue. And of course, you don’t have to be trans or on hormones to clear and balance your throat chakra. We all have throat chakras, and they all need support.
You can book a session here. If you would like to receive a discounted rate through my Pay It Forward fund, please do not book on my website. Email insight.with.el@gmail.com or text 385-465-5569.
Happy Healing!
